Every mother is proud of their children. Every mother wants the very best for their children. Better, in fact, than they ever had. This is no less true for me regarding my daughter. When she was first born, I took her home in a Christmas stocking. A stocking I have kept hidden away for her until someday, when she is grown, I will give to her to keep. For the first four months of her very young life, I was not able to care for her as I suffered terribly from post-partum depression. My mom stepped in and gave her the care and love and bonding that I was incapable of. My mom and her granddaughter share a very close bond to this day. But the day came when I had to take her back as she was bonding too much with my mom and not enough with me. This was done through the intervention of the Pediatrician and a recommended psychologist. Its hard for me to admit. After all, arent ALL mothers of newborns supposed to love their  babies and not want to ever be parted from them? It was a very difficult time for me as I struggled through a myriad of emotions from guilt, shame, happiness, depression, to worry, fear, helplessness, and love. But one night in particular stood out for me. My daughter was back home and up for her middle of the night feeding. We were downstairs so as not to wake my husband as he had to work early the next morning. It was simply her and I. I sat down in a big blue reclining chair to feed her her bottle.The stillness of the night surrounded us like a warm winter blanket. I listened to the sweet little sounds she made as she drank the warm formula her fingers clasped around mine. So innocent, so pure, so trusting. The bond was beginning to take hold. After she was done eating, I held her warm little body next to mine and felt her begin to squirm and wiggle. She squirmed and wiggled and wiggled and squirmed until the top of her little head was as far into my neck and bottom of my jaw as she could possibly get. She loved me. She felt safe and secure and she wanted to be as close to me as she could possibly get. Her heart was next to mine. We were chest to chest. Heart chakra to heart chakra. We connected and it was beautiful. 

My daughter is 15 now. She is beginning to change from a child into a young woman and there is a simultaneous sadness and joy in this for me. I am so proud of the young lady she is becoming. The person that she is inside. She has a beauty and a warth and radiance that shine from her heart out through her eyes and smile. People are drawn to her comforting presence. I remember back to that quiet night and I realise, I was not the only one doing the comforting. What she and I shared, and still share to this day, was a circle of love-pure and untainted. In my minds eye, I can see a thick cord of pink light that connects her heart to mine and I know that no matter the physical distance between us, she and I are eternally connected. She is not simply a physical part of me, but a piece and a part of my soul rests within her. And hers in mine. I am trying to teach her now about the importance of following her heart and listening to her inner voice and a having the courage to follow that voice where it leads her. I am teaching her about the importance of becoming and being her own woman so that she does not have to rely on a man to meet her needs. Of setting her personal boundaries and not allowing others to dictate to her or upon her, their agendas. I am trying to help guide her to become an empowered woman. A woman who knows what she wants and how to achieve that, yet, retain the dignity, graciousness and compassion she has always carried inside of her. And in her eyes, I see reflected back to me, a part of myself. I love what I see when I look at my beautiful daughter. She is not only pretty on the outside, but most importantly, she is simply radiant and beautiful on the inside. She is my beautiful daughter. My gift from God.       

Please bear with me as I stumble and fumble my way through this amazing ansd sometimes confusing world of blogdom. What are my aspirations for this blogsite? Right now, I am merely exploring this virtual world of writing and expressing myself without putting pen to paper. While this is an immediate medium and immensely far reaching, I will continue to put my more private thoughts and musings about life on paper. There is something about the tactile feel of the writing instrument in my hand and the sound it makes as it scratches or glides across the surface of the paper, that I cannot bear to give up completely. Creating with these two mediums reminds me of the childhood song, “Make new friends but keep the old, One is Silver and the other is Gold”